Unglued. Yes, that's me. Sometimes. Those catty remarks, sullen silences, and downright over the top raging responses. Yeah, those are mine. Sometimes. It's hard to exactly pinpoint what brings them on, but I think I can say it all comes down to baggage. A boatload of baggage that I've been toting around for years. It's heavy, and overwhelming, and some days I wish I could just set it down but I would miss it in some twisted way. After all, this baggage justifies my bad behavior. When I look at myself in the mirror right after I've been unglued I can peer into my baggage and say, "well, if he would just change this or that, I would not have to respond in this way". Yuck.
The struggle with perfection, although I think we all have at least a little of that struggle, is not the setback that keeps me from moving forward. I can live with imperfect progress. The problem is, I am convinced that it's not my fault. After all, I've been loyal and faithful and I've gone waaaaay beyond what my friends would have ever gone to try to make things run smoothly. I can see very clearly that my husband has some issues that he refuses to acknowledge, let alone deal with, and if he would just get those things in order everything would be different here and then I wouldn't have to become, well, you know, unglued. Sheesh.
The blame game. It doesn't take place boldly or blatantly. It's a very subtle, well orchestrated conversation that the devil has with me almost daily. It's ugly, but in its own demented and sick way, it is comforting and it doesn't ask me to change a thing. Do you want to know the worst thing about it? I am fully aware of it and I still don't call it what it is and cast it out of my life. It's time to take this on.
"... let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with perseverance the race that is set out for us." Hebrews 12:1b
I'm ready. Let's do this.
God created the heavens and earth, all you see, all you don't see.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Fresh Start
I read blogs, I even subscribe to some. I guess that might make me a wannabe blogger. I love the idea of putting my thoughts on paper and during various seasons of my life I've done it quite prolifically. So maybe I'll try it again and see how it goes.
Speaking of seasons, that may be just what is prompting me now. I've been watching my daughters as they have, one by one, stepped across the 30 year mark with one more to go. What is it about the magic number 30? Each of them has paused and looked at their life and wondered what's next. They have questioned and wrestled with the answers about who they are and what is their purpose. They have become unsettled. While part of me mourns their struggle, I also know that until we become unsettled we fail to look hard at the woman in the mirror.
We're all here for a reason. God doesn't make junk and He doesn't make mistakes. When we get too content and 'settled', we may miss out on what He has in mind. I don't recall anywhere in His word that He says, "sit still and I'll come and find you when you need to be doing something". No, the words I recall are more like "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Don't stop seeking girls. He has a glorious plan for each of you, but you can't get too comfy in any one place.
Speaking of seasons, that may be just what is prompting me now. I've been watching my daughters as they have, one by one, stepped across the 30 year mark with one more to go. What is it about the magic number 30? Each of them has paused and looked at their life and wondered what's next. They have questioned and wrestled with the answers about who they are and what is their purpose. They have become unsettled. While part of me mourns their struggle, I also know that until we become unsettled we fail to look hard at the woman in the mirror.
We're all here for a reason. God doesn't make junk and He doesn't make mistakes. When we get too content and 'settled', we may miss out on what He has in mind. I don't recall anywhere in His word that He says, "sit still and I'll come and find you when you need to be doing something". No, the words I recall are more like "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Don't stop seeking girls. He has a glorious plan for each of you, but you can't get too comfy in any one place.
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